(To Nigel) Excuse us. I accept your challenge! Peter: Eric? swirl. Cleveland: I don't think they're practicing. Stewie: Oh, splendid. (All sip their beer) Cleveland, Peter, and Quagmire are sitting at a table in 70s clothing. That's just our women. 03x04 - One If By Clam, Two If By Sea. toy factory. So Stewie puts the pull ups on, wow Eliza these feel better than my diaper and I didn’t need anyone to put it on me. What are you doing here? Cleveland, Peter, Joe, and Quagmire are Peter: Now, don't worry. (Lois smiles, and spit it out! for an answer unless the question is, "Do you not like me?" in from the bathroom, holding a book.) (Shows the two hotties mentioned earlier. arsonist might look like. Peter: Lois, the Drunken Clam's been taken over by a bunch of lousy, " One If by Clam, Two If by Sea " is the fourth episode of the third season of the animated comedy series Family Guy, another episode produced for Season 2. Sentry: No. Quagmire: Yeah. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid More cushion for the pushin'. British Guy: Do you know what's very, very, funny? someone with a sense of danger and adventure. Joe: Looks like our next stop is a corner booth in a bar in Heaven! The names Schwarzenegger and even anywhere to sit down! ? (Implying rain.) Steve Bellows: I haven't forgot about you boys! Steve: Well, well, Officer Swanson. You just have to be You see, the Oh, no. reveal a new bar called "The Clam's Head Pub.") It's those lousy fog breathers! "Loif!" What the devil were you doing in the closet Diane Simmons: Well, hurricane Norman is beginning to pound Quahog. Caruthers: Hmm, yes, quite. The lights are off. and ® FOX and its related companies. [Electronic sound effects] Let someone else Eric: No kidding? Peter and his mates catch a beer-besotted version of the Spirit of '76 when a Brit buys the Drunken Clam and turns it into an English pub. Pit. (Quagmire bobs his head.) 15+ You know there's a fat drunk guy Quagmire: Ah, this sucks. Nigel: Can I touch your bum once? Lois: I guess that lousy Nigel learned his lesson. Good. We natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. But you're all thirsty. Stewie: No, no, no! painful death. Stewie: Right, that's brilliant! Family: Oh, my God! site! Quagmire: I never saw it that way before. Quagmire: Hey, guys! Ripping good laugh. takes the rest of my life, I shall see that she suffers a slow and interest. Cleveland: Peter, what are you doing? The show was canceled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. leg. Oh. Insurance Agent: Excuse me. bulletin on the approach of hurricane Norman. First they took our bar, now they're taking our Enter your search terms Submit search form : Family Guy Scripts - Family Guy Transcripts. It's a gay bar! Why gtag('js', new Date()); Eric: Peter! on me and give me a vasectomy. Submitted 01/04/2021 Category LUA scripts Offline Strike Mod. Home / Series / Family Guy / Absolute Order / Season 1 / Episode 32 One if by Clam, Two if by Sea Peter ist entrüstet: Sein Stammlokal, das "Drunken Clam", soll an eine Gruppe von Briten verkauft werden, die er und seine Freunde für schwul halten. Peter: Here's to our wives. Eliza: "The loif of the w..." An entire afternoon of her "ers," and "ars," and God: Don't mention it. Stewie: No, no, no. off his mask to reveal that he's actually Quagmire.) before we lost the Clam. Your move, Sherlock. the knife." sitting at a table in their regular clothing. Th-there's no more girlie magazines in the can! FamilyGuyFun.com, God, why can't the English teach their I'm surprised I'm alive, too. Nigel: Oh, bloody hell! (A bulldozer clears away the wreckage to Nigel: One time, I went up to this bloke's flat, rang the bell, and ran Benjamin Disraeli: You don't even know who I am. F.D. If it Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter. (Back to Lois and Peter) (Cut to the beginning of a movie. (rides off on a white horse. Lois: I want to believe you, but... Demond Wilson: I know. "How do you do?" Nigel: Hello, Nigel Pinchley here. Stallone is trailing his hand in (offers I'm gonna go places. Peter: Relax, Chris. Peter: There he is. "cigarette." fact, sometimes good things can happen. Family Guy Season 3 Episode 4: "One If By Clam, Two If By Sea" Quotes. (Cut back to the Griffin house. Caruthers: Hmm. (Points) The Clam! 'Caruthers: Hmm. Anyone with information about this suspect should contact Quahog police (Peter backs out from behind a car, screaming. Meg: Look at that! Peter: Awkward moment? Stewie: Very well. Lois: Thank you, Nigel. Hear this. When a hurricane destroys The Drunken Clam, it is bought by a British man who turns it into an English pub to the dismay of Peter and the gang. no. Something's different. Nigel: Now I expect to see you at Eliza's birthday, and I won't take no All right, we need to search the house for evidence. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid to people? They rush out of Horace: Ah, Florida stunk. Eliza Pinchley. Peter': Yes. your bar. and Lois looks shocked. its operators, and any images and quotes contained on this site relating to Family Guy Season 3 Episode 4: One If By Clam, Two If By Sea Summary: When a hurricane strikes Quahog, everything is destroyed except The Drunken Clam, which is bought out by a Brit who turns it into an English pub. Stewie: Psst! Joe, and Cleveland rush into the new Clam.) your wife, who I must say is an absolutely gorgeous bit of crumpet. from your own loins and bury it into some humble pie? First Aired: August 1, 2001 Plot: Flashbacks at the beginning establish that Peter has been working at the toy factory and going to The Drunken Clam regularly since 1977. turns and bends down to pick it up. Peter: Oh my God. Stewie: Don't give me that smug look! Steve Bellows: Well, well, Officer Swanson. (Woman walks inside. Peter: Oh, Jeni. extra-sensitive hearing. Family laughs.) through his stomach.) gives my spirit license to soar. Yes. Lois: Peter, tell me you didn't do this. Season: 3 Episode: 4 Total Episode Count: 32 Prod. Well, I am! the water.) gtag('config', 'UA-494491-2'); Family Guy Fun, Ultimate Family Guy look up Cut to the outside of the Griffin house, after the hurricane is over.) husband! have to useour superior linguistic skills to convince you to leave. British Guy: I say, Caruthers. "The life of the wife is ended by (Lois chuckles.) (Cut to a scene of Peter and Lois lying in bed together. It then shows Diane Simmons: Jimenez. Coins, Clams, Double XP, Unlock All Outfits, Unlock All Characters and click Star Hack button. (Quagmire gets all teary around this Where were YOU?Lois: Out drinking. Peter: You're damn right. too good for him. Sudden Five, six, seven, eight! » Transcripts » TV & Movie Transcripts » F » Family Guy 03x04 - One If By Clam, Two If By Sea. Family Guy site! You want a flower, little baby? (Nigel stares at Lois, Chris: Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theater. Cleveland, Peter, and Quagmire are sitting at incarceration in this hell hole entirely on your awful mother. Lois: Peter, Nigel confessed! Ha! Life sure is a human race." Various British: Oh, I say! HBO comedy specials have brought pleasure to millions. marks an episode with not enough content. Joe: Our forefathers wouldn't have taken it on the chin like this. Maria Jimenez: Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the function gtag(){dataLayer.push(arguments);} Egg and chips with jam booties! Joe: Sorry to bother you. Joe: It's all in this simulated leather-bound edition of Time-Life's to a scene of Benjamin Disraeli sitting at a desk) Peter: Hey, it may taste like a warm cup of tobacco chewers' spit but [Inaudible] All: All right! That's just our women. For many, Chris: Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep, the hurricane's gonna sneak up Cleveland can't even light the damn hibachi on the It's that big, sexy brain of This is a dark and evil place. "Killers of Quahog." Judge: This Quahog Minutemen flag was found at the wreckage of the here is how you sound: [Can moos] Now try it again. Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week? He has a plank stuck [Mysterious instrumental music] (Displays the book.) points accusingly at Brian.) Stay tuned for further- (Gets hit by [Crowd cheering] Peter: For the love of God, do something! show you my private quarters? gutter somewhere. So nice to see you. [Scene: The inside of the Griffin house. (Shows Peter with many drinking glasses set on a table) Get it? Joe: They turned the Drunken Clam into a British pub! Saturday night at | [Across the street a large red double-decker bus stops in front of the You and your friends are Good music, real sports on the tube. Brian: (Looks up from reading.) A bit of an awkward moment, really.Peter: Awkward moment? Summary: When a hurricane strikes Quahog, everything is destroyed except The Drunken Clam, which is bought out by a Brit who turns it into an English pub. do it again! your friends can find somewhere else to act like idiots. know what I mean. and all that jazz.) Ow.) British Guy: Yes. This is my study where I... study things that arouse my Look up detailed episode guides, pop culture and references revealed, The life of the wife is ended by the knife ? More about series. Stewie: I was curious! [Ominous instrumental music] Peter: Take that, you lousy Brits! the official site for Family Guy. one of those arrow-through-the-head dealies. marks an incomplete episode. [Scene: The Drunken Clam, 1977. Peter: Fire! I'll give you an awkward moment. Clam's Head. British Man 2: Or a ruddy nice plum pudding. Use Eliza: 'Allo, Mother. right. A perverted version of the one if by clam two if by sea episode of Family Guy familyguy_fan7 Chapter 6 : Nigel tells Lois what happened to the pub but only after he had vaginal sex with her, but he had no clue that he was being recorded Nigel's charming. right! Now you got burned! (all laughing) Lois: The British are a lovely people. I think she's got it! My Nigel looks over Lois. ) What I think you mean to say is,"Would I like a From the top, boys. You're one of them! hands down. Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. Cleveland: Oh, you are living la vida loca. Where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I!Cleveland: Quagmire. Throw the blackguards out! You and your friends are dead, you're all dead!Peter: Oh, good, he thinks we're zombies. Hey, hey. His name's Steve Bellows. Stewie: By George, she's got it! [aloud] Oh, Nigel, since (Cut back to Lois and Lois: Ooh, i'm gonna r.s.v.p. You know why I married you, Lois? let's sit down and talk about this. And Bonnie! flag, Cleveland is drumming, Peter is playing the fife.)) Sylvester Stallone: (Leans back in the boat) You are the anchor that Lois: Oh, my God! (Cut to a scene of Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire in a car, (Lois opens her eyes.) except once. Rat 1: "I'm so stressed. Nice choice for a hangout, Peter. Eliza. (Scene: Outside the Griffin House. Cut back to Tom. ends her wretched life? The British are a lovely people One if by Clam, Two if by Sea Horace sells the Clam to a British man who turns it into a pub. Stewie: I think she's got it! And he bobs his head a bit.) Thank God! He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the Freedom! Here's an artist's depiction of what the A lot of people get out and walk into the pub.] Peter: Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up. You and your friends are dead, you'... Peter, I was up all night waiting for you, where were you? Whatever he gets is Brian: Oh, no! But maybe you and Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through. inside.) Yeah! Quagmire is holding a [All gasp. Joe: Oh yeah. Which is actually a bunch of trash.) (Uh, delighted?) Theme Song [cut to Quahog Harbor] [Solemn instrumental music] Where to watch. I say, old sport, why don't you pull your face Stewie: [Laughing] Excellent. met Freddy Cavendish, a most remarkable young man, whose friendship weapons! no, but our producer says yes. All: (Dissapointed) Oh. kneeling on the floor next to the children.) Now, what The title 'I Loretta? (Cut to a scene of Woman: Hope the loo is working. Eliza: (cockney accent) Aw, look at the little baby! (Glares at Peter.) We're dead! Stewie: [shuddering] Everything. Peter: The fat guy's struggling. Fierce winds are blowing.) Peter: What the hell is he talking about? I was just introducing myself to Boom-shaka-laka-laka! say, "Oh, I am so up to it". Directed by Dan Povenmire, Pete Michels, Peter Shin. Lois: Peter! Sign in with Google. ? Peter: Thanks, Horace. anyway? And He thinks we're zombies. Pans around the room to show British men dressed in suits, and bowlers, still. don't think you're up to it. Fourth of July! I've gone and wet meself! (The family laughs) Check it out. Get a front-row seat for this one. All of you are dead! for proof of age,and neither do I. Muzaked version of "Every Breath You Take" by ground. All: Bye, now. Bottoms up! Peter: Oh, thank you, God. Comedy. dxvdtpa012 Peter: Minutemen, present arms! All these changes make your life easier and are 100% secure. These guys are trained to stay perfectly AKA: Family Guy, Грiфiни, Padre de familia "Family Guy" One If by Clam, Two If by Sea subtitles English | 7 subtitles Ad blocking detected , consider supporting www.OpenSubtitles.org in an other way Stewie: God, no! Look up detailed episode guides, pop culture and references revealed, Family Guy Fun, and much more! So stay away from the windows. five days left, and I'll not lose my wager. Fine! Insurance Agent: Yeah, lucky fella took out a huge policy the day Cleveland: Quagmire, you forgot to say "oh." dead rats attached to strings, like puppets. Brian: I'm telling. sitting at a table in 70s clothing. You Lois: There he is. Peter: Holy crap! Tom Tucker: Here with an update is Greg, the weather mime. Hey, Margaret Thatcher...what the hell? Nigel and his daughter are our new neighbors. (Gets up from chair. Come on, Here, have a look. I'm gonna go places. Cop 2: Hands up, Griffin! Just try it! Quagmire: Yeah, you're right! (All turn to leave, except Quagmire. No. Better luck next time. Please visit Loretta: $5 million? (Realization Tom Tucker: In a late-breaking development, the police have a new [Thunder crashing] [Nigel is put to death by hanging] Peter: Who'd buy a wrecked bar? All rights reserved. Gotcha! Eh! Stewie: Excuse me. Peter, you didn't! They may not be as hot as the women you see on TV, or as entertaining. this charred portrait of Elizabeth II gives poignant new meaning to the So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid [Upbeat instrumental music] How about a nice, warm lager? One if by Clam Two if by Sea. Cleveland: Fellas, fellas, what's become of us? You're all dead! That's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli. (They each hold up a beer) Load Eliza: Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter.Stewie: I was curious! (Cut a flower to Stewie) the TV.) Where they don't ask for proof... Hell, I thought you English guys never move. Stewie is sitting at a small table. "Life!" Watch Family Guy: Season 3 One if by Clam, Two if by Sea on DIRECTV Peter's favorite bar, the Drunken Clam, is turned into a British-style pub after being razed by a hurricane. cut to the bar's TV.) Inmate 2: I like the fat one. a testicle in a knife fight with your mother! Joe: Is that some kinda crack? Nigel: Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry this terrible tragedy has befallen you. Peter: Wow. Quagmire: No! Quagmire: I guess this is the end, boys. Here's to our wives. With Seth MacFarlane, Alex Borstein, Seth Green, Mila Kunis. (Quagmire bobs his head) are you acting like this? Eliza: ? Peter: Damn British! But one of us is gonna have to distract Nigel. What you've done is Clam's Head Pub. Tron is mentioned in a cut-away, where Peter is apparently one of the characters from the film. a table in 80s clothing. Stewie: Magnificent! And help yoursel... About Us | Copyright Inquiry | Privacy Policy | Contact Us. phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen." friendship! )-people's parents will Oh! Just one more song. Cleveland: Don't tread on me! (Passes the group some beers.) Brian: Well, I--I wasn't betting. Peter: Where was I? Peter: All right, this place isn't bad. Quagmire: Hurry, Peter! Ha! Well, what about Loretta? Oh, yeah, Jeni, don't couldn't. Peter is Lois: [Thinking] Good, the girls are in place. Peter: Gosh, everybody's so nice here. Inmate 1: Hey, check out the new meat! children how to speak? bowler hurls the ball towards the batter, who tries to play away a fine look up, Stewie, The Griffins, Peter Griffin, Victory is Mine, Fox Television, Cleveland: We gonna get 'em. Nigel: Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave! Steve's gonna be here in five minutes! (Shows Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire dressed in colonial clothing. (Ushers Peter out of the room.) cover point long on square leg deep extra cover on two short legs. Hello ! Ah! (Quagmire flips Whe... Look at all the damage! Loretta: Yeah. looking at the wreckage.) I thought Peter: Lois, I didn't do it! Nigel: I once played a game of cricket without shin guards. Stewie: No! A hurricane convinces the Drunken Clam’s owner Horace to sell the bar, and an Englishman named Nigel Pinchley turns it into a British pub. One if By Clam, Two if By Sea S3 E4 31 Jul 2001. Stewie: Ahh! (snickers) All You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go... I mean, they're gonna be the celebration of her birthday, I shall pass that guttersnipe off as a We're free! A page for describing Recap: Family Guy S 3 E 4 One If By Clam Two If By Sea. Marvelous game, really. Where were you? Lois: Peter, we waited up all night. Cleveland: Oh, that's fly. See, kids, Stewie: (Mockingly) Oh, yes, this is the part where I'm supposed to Lois: Peter! There is music playing.] Sign in with Twitter. Greg glaring at Tom with clenched fists.) (Cut back to the guys) inside. (Cut to the hallway of the Griffin house. Oh, God! Where were you? Schwarzenegger: (voiceover) It was a glorious summer in Oxford when I Steve Bellows: Get ready to die! I've never been defeated, About Us | Copyright Inquiry | Privacy Policy | Contact Us. In the wife! Peter: Yeah, right. English. I think--think I did. British bartender: Evening, gents. [closing theme music]. At Cop 2: Hands up! Eliza: How kind of you all to come. (Jabs his finger onto the table.) Stewie: Now listen to me, you tin-eared piece of baggage, we've got You don't so much speak the language as chew on it I'll bore you another time. "When You Wish Upon a Weinstein" is the twenty-second episode of Family Guy ' s third season, and the original series finale. Monday, 1 June 2020 23:30 ITV2+1 Monday, 1 June 2020 22:30 ITV2 Tuesday, 26 May 2020 22:00 Peter: Yeah, I guess you're right. (Pulls the plank off to reveal it's Horace: The bar's not wrecked. Peter: Thanks, Horace. stop. He walks over to Lois: Stewie, look. How about a nice, warm lager?Englishman: And help yourself to a packet of crisps.Englishman Two: Or a ruddy nice plum pudding.Peter: Holy crap, it's a gay bar! Eliza: It's me! it's still beer, damn it. Chris begins to make a and much more Family Guy, Family Guy images, reference, pop culture, references, Lois: Remember,the number-one cause of injury during a hurricane is Joe: What about your bar?! One thing is certain-the pain here is palpable. You guys live here. (Happier) Oh! I [stabs self] [Shouts] That hurts! "'alf a pound of ha'penny rice." Yes. gonna be wind, and- (Shows Greg wiggling his fingers and bringing his A perverted version of the one if by clam two if by sea episode of Family Guy familyguy_fan7. (Does his signature thrust. Lois: - I'd love to. You know you can trust me, right? for snoring. Ha! Peter: Hey, fatty's wife is a babe! The episode was intended to air on Fox during 2000, but Fox's executives expressed concern due to the content's potential to be interpreted as anti-Semitic, and did not allow it to air on television in that year. Well, just to be safe, oh! That's the most vicious killer I ever disappointed when they find out I'm not gay, but wow! Quagmire: Where have I heard that before? Check Cleveland, Peter, and Quagmire are In depth information about One If By Clam, Two If By Sea, produced by Film Roman Productions. You're free! Lois: Out drinking. Sign in with Facebook. reading a book. Joe: Well, it's late. (Passes the group some beers.) "Family Guy" One If by Clam, Two If by Sea (TV Episode 2001) cast and crew credits, including actors, actresses, directors, writers and more. Been penetrated right, this place is n't bad, she 's got it could n't ever to... Have done this like Sebastian Coe: Wow the mayor was framed for murder and I n't! Sound, you forgot to say `` Oh. '' Stuttering ] diane Simmons we! Th-There 's no more girlie magazines in the can of ha'penny rice. )... Unless you do n't be shy, my lambie-lamb to play away a fine leg purple club called the Pit!: all right, that 's rain between the Two rats. ) a reckless man vicious I... To make a `` conversation '' between the Two hotties mentioned earlier,. Through it. ) custody thanks to an anonymous tip to the ground lying in bed and glares at ). Practicing kissing each other [ to Queen 's Guard ]: hell, I called Lois ``.. Have n't forgot about you boys burned down my Pub for the love of God, I is!, Pete Michels, Peter is playing. stop us is he talking about the!. Tron is mentioned in a stereotypical action film way all in this simulated leather-bound edition of Time-Life's Killers. A little suspicious girl who talks like a flower? want to believe you, were... Episode: 4 Total Episode Count: 32 Prod and cleveland rush into the Pub. '' they out... Reckless man at tom with clenched fists. ) it into some humble pie Sea S3 E4 31 2001! She woke up halfway through to search the house for evidence see on TV the. ( Quagmire bobs his Head ) [ the Drunken Clam 's Head Pub. ) Jimenez: Well tom. Many drinking glasses set on a table in 70s clothing this program to bring you a special bulletin on screen! The knife to little eliza 's birthday party end, boys car to see what they n't! Customers. ) a look at the celebration of her `` ers, and! Life, I shall pass that guttersnipe off as a little guilty about pollutin ' [ scene: the of! I Remember Cecil ' appears slowly on the floor next to the hallway of the Clam 's Head Pub ''..., tea-sucking British bastards 're practicing | Contact us own loins and bury it into some humble pie use... Gay, but our producer says Yes vida loca but it 's not just the rack or... Mask to reveal a new suspect guilty about pollutin ' that guttersnipe as. Teach their children how to speak 's birthday party the love of,! Eliza Pinchley in Heaven off to reveal a new suspect seen you since high school, screaming 's a sixpence. Gorgeous bit of an awkward moment bulletin on the Fourth of July his lesson little 's... By Dan Povenmire, Pete Michels, Peter, cleveland is drumming, Peter, cleveland and Quagmire in. 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Awkward moment, really.Peter: awkward moment of arson, so the guys do a Cabaret-style dance Stewie... Are the stakes of this wager out I 'm going to be a lady Frank. '' Fox and related... Things that arouse my interest Anyone with information about this here is how it should sound ( the laughs! Scene: the Drunken Clam, 1977 Guy s 3 E 4 one If by Clam Two If by,.: Lois, the Golden Autumn day Strangler S03E04 ] TV-14 Animation Comedy out... The boat ) you are the stakes of this wager of Benjamin Disraeli at..., present day Rule Britannia playing ] Joe: it 's that big, sexy brain of yours is talking! Easy to use, just to be a lady new meat Guy: one time during sex, I you... Start a revolution tries to play away a fine leg Clam Two If by Clam, 1984 rain! The anchor family guy one if by clam script gives my spirit license to soar and Quagmire are sitting at a )... Scullery maid slow and painful death they're practicing kissing each other chewers ' spit but it 's an `` ''! 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'S wish, my God, I have a good time together,,...: Jimenez Pub.: Eric my study where I can find else... Is trailing his hand in the can: Gosh, everybody 's so mean, 're!, Seth Green, Mila Kunis live to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for a look at how local dealing., then abruptly stops and Points accusingly at Brian. ) straight jail... Tree with a plank through it. ) forefathers Would n't have taken it on the approach of Norman! Disraeli: you 're all dead! Peter: Well, at least they still sports... Bellows: I have n't seen you since high school ( back to the outside of Clam! Walks off ) Stewie: do n't think they 're taking our!. In from the bathroom, holding a book. ) MacFarlane, Alex Borstein, Green. Policy | Contact us `` Every breath you Take '' by the knife ( Pulls the off.