Refusing to talk things through and resolve the problem is both childish and infuriating. When we get the silent treatment from the narcissist in our life, it feels utterly devastating. The reason why isolation or seclusion is a big indicator of this type of treatment is that the noted person will usually be talkative and social at other times. The narcissist’s silent treatment will be noticeable by their desire to be left in isolation. MNT is the registered trade mark of Healthline Media. Maybe we don’t realise that our words or behaviour are offensive or, maybe the other person is interpreting it incorrectly. Learn about how to spot the signs of emotional abuse and…, Relationships with other people are a foundation of human society. ​Somebody can only control you if you allow them to so; be careful about giving in to such whims. If a person feels that they or their family are in immediate danger, they must call 911. For example, the person on the receiving end may say: “I’m feeling hurt and frustrated that you aren’t speaking to me. At worst, I felt that I had been listened to and respected. ​The silent treatment is one of the most torturous punishments that another person can inflict upon you. My particular species of bipolar means that I suffer from rapid and sometimes extreme and mixed mood swings. A person may be using silence in an abusive way if: In addition to the silent treatment, a person might use other types of emotional abuse to control their partner, such as: Over time, emotional abuse often escalates to physical violence. Coping with The Silent Treatment: The Silent Treatment is rarely a good approach to problem solving or problem resolution. ​The silent treatment is one of the most common forms of Passive Aggressive Behaviour. they intend to hurt another person with their silence, the silence lasts for extended periods of time, the silence only ends when they decide it does, they talk to other people but not to their partner, they use silence to blame their partner and make them feel guilty, they use silence to manipulate or “improve” their partner, or to pressure them to change their behavior, demanding access to their phone, email account, and other digital information, isolating them from their family and friends, controlling all their finances and spending, controlling whether or not they go to work or school, humiliating them in front of others or on social media, using intimidating behavior, threatening them, or giving them ultimatums, threatening to harm themselves, pets, or loved ones, withholding affection, such as sexual activity, stay in contact with their family and friends, talk privately with a trusted professional, such as a counselor or domestic violence advocate, who can discuss the person’s options in a safe space, seek advice and support from a domestic abuse organization, such as the. The silent treatment is abuse because: 1 It is passive-aggressive behavior intended to hurt the other person It shows a lack of caring, a lack of respect and a lack of value You might be better off asking why they are in your life and doing something about that. A therapist can help them recover their self-esteem and understand that they are not responsible for their partner’s behavior. Anyone who needs advice or support can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 via: Many other resources are available, including helplines, in-person support, and temporary housing. When someone chooses not to talk to you and withholds their approval, they are telling you that you are not good enough as you are. However, its always better to give a silent treatment rather than blow up words in anger. This is exactly what the narcissist wants. A sudden desire to stay awayfrom people will let you know that this person is practicing the silent treatment. © 2004-2020 Healthline Media UK Ltd, Brighton, UK, a Red Ventures Company. So, I can be happy and cheerful one minute (or so it seems) and then be raging the next. I wish you the best. They feel that the other person is ignoring them so, they decide to do some ignoring of their own in return. The Silent Treatment can cause so much pain to the person who is being ignored and given the silent treatment. Through my coaching, I have been approached by many people with relationship issues. It can cause serious emotional and psychological damage if you don’t realize what is happening. ​People who are desperate for attention often have other underlying issues so you need to be careful not to encourage them by constantly rewarding their childish behaviour. I have created a FREE Flash Guide to Passive Aggressive Behaiour to help. This is because domestic abuse is not a product of an unhealthy relationship. If the silent treatment is continuous and prolonged, you begin to wonder what is wrong with you. But, if you think about it, when you give someone the silent treatment… 12 signs of aggression you need to recognise, What did you communicate? The later treatment is more hurting and painful than the silent treatment. The person who is giving the silent treatment often feels that their concerns are not being given the serious consideration that they deserve. Only communication can. However, I was on the receiving end of violence from a relative and my biggest fear was that I would turn out like that. Talk to a doctor, therapist, or trusted friend for help. Most of the time, the narcissist will not continue the silent treatment around other… I can’t tell you the specific reason why you are facing the silent treatment but I can tell you the most common reasons why somebody uses the silent treatment. I would like to find a way to resolve this.”. They are determined to have their way and they are determined to withhold their approval (i.e. However, people in abusive relationships will need to take different steps. But some people use the silent treatment as a tool for exerting power over someone or creating emotional distance. A way to combat this is to make sure you include them in social activities with others. However, therapists and organizations including the National Domestic Violence Hotline do not recommend couples counseling for those in abusive relationships. It is essentially an attack on the very essence of who you are. The silent treatment is often given as a form of punishment in a relationship and psychologists consider the silent treatment as a form of abuse. If there are other signs of abuse, it may be necessary to seek outside support to stay safe. They may be afraid of saying something that makes the situation worse. All rights reserved. Nobody can say what you said was wrong because you didn’t say anything. The silent treatment usually hurts more than anger does. Why are you receiving the silent treatment? Why People Give the Silent Treatment. We've all been hurt, I definitely get that! Using the silent treatment prevents people from resolving their conflicts in a helpful way. It also looks at how the silent treatment relates to abuse. In this case, it is all part of the abuse. According to a 2012 study, people who regularly feel ignored also report lower levels of self-esteem, belonging, and meaning in their lives. We want to be loved and to be accepted. By demanding this apology, it supports the narcissist’s inflate… After all the desire to talk to others is natural so, for somebody to not want to talk to you, there must be something seriously wrong with you. they give you a taste of your own medicine. If you are on the receiving end of the silent treatment, you are going to be wondering what you did wrong and how you can resolve the situation. Passive aggressive silent treatment is a type of behavior common to passive aggressive people. Emotional abuse can occur in many…, Emotional abuse is a serious form of abuse that can have both short- and long-term effects. If they are not in immediate danger, a person who believes that their partner is abusive should consider whether or not they wish to stay in the relationship. The silent treatment is a sign that communication in the relationship has broken down. I would erupt like a volcano though I was never violent. Trying the above steps can help those in an otherwise healthy relationship. People who regularly use or experience the silent treatment should take steps to address it. This article will discuss the silent treatment, why people use it, and how individuals can respond to it. Especially when the same offense is committed repeatedly and obviously do it … If you have discussed your issues with the other person openly and honestly and; you feel that they are not taking you seriously, the silent treatment is unlikely to see them change. People use the silent treatment to control the situation or conversation. In some cases, focusing on relationship issues in therapy may reinforce their abusive behaviors. Ask the other person to share their feelings. via conversation) until you come around to their way of thinking. It can be used to punish, control, disempower, or run away from a person or problem. For example, if someone were to punch you, the bruises can heal and the pain quickly subsides. People use the silent treatment in many types of relationship, including romantic relationships. If the person responds in a threatening or abusive way, it is important to remove oneself from the situation until they calm down. It Helps Them Avoid Compromise Cikanavicius also says that enduring the silent treatment from someone makes you want to avoid all future conflicts with them. I always give the silent treatment if the person I'm mad at is argumentative and too defensive to listen. This was never true. For example, a person can say, “I notice that you are not responding to me.” This lays the foundation for two people to engage with each other more effectively. Most people who use the silent treatment on a regular basis do it to get a reaction. Avoid becoming defensive or going into problem-solving mode. Any medical information published on this website is not intended as a substitute for informed medical advice and you should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professional, The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, Study offers a mental well-being 'tool kit' anyone can use, Study reveals how exercise improves metabolic health, COVID-19 vaccine: Low-income countries lose out to wealthy countries. When you do that you can work to resolve the real issue because you will no longer be treating the symptom; you will be treating the disease. This is partly because we live in fake world where everybody pretends to get along all the time. When one partner wants to talk about a problem but the other withdraws, it can cause negative emotions such as anger and distress. Here are the most common reasons I collected from clients, support group members, and online surveys, to why people choose to go silent. Sure, identifying the current issue may help you to resolve the current impasse but you are likely to face the silent treatment again. They get to see how vacuous celebrities profit from attention (good or bad) and so, if they feel that you are not giving them enough attention; they will force you to give them attention by acting in a manner which leaves you wondering what’s wrong and what you need to do to resolve the situation. The silent treatment can hurt, and narcissist knows this. It probably wasn’t what you think, The Emperor’s questions: focus on what is important. The key to being closer in the good times lies in the way a couple treats each … This is the case when one person uses it to control and manipulate the other. A person with a partner who avoids conflict is more likely to continue a dispute because they have not had an opportunity to discuss their grievances. This decreases intimacy and trust between partners, and can cause anxiety and aggressive behavior. Copyright 2018 by liveyourtruestory.com. Instead of giving vent to their anger, the passive aggressive person shuts down and ignores you. You may not be surprised to learn that one of the most common problems is the dreaded silent treatment. So, if speaking up makes you look like the bad guy, using silence as a weapon becomes a great choice. You matter. Many people give the silent treatment to others because they’ve violated some social rule that they were taught when they were a child. If you need to learn key communication skills, How to Talk So Others Will Listen will help. Posted Feb 17, 2018 I was not one for resorting to violence and just because a family member resorted to violence didn’t mean that I was going to do likewise. People on the receiving end of a partner’s abuse may benefit from individual therapy if they safely engage in appointments. A person should not apologize or blame themselves for another person’s use of the silent treatment, as the silence is how their partner chooses to respond. ​Flash Guide to Passive Aggressive Behaviour. The list below Is not exhaustive. According to Cikanavicius, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person with narcissism wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control. Sometimes, a person may give someone the silent treatment because they are too angry, hurt, or overwhelmed to speak. We're happy when we can do this, we feel like we're doing something. People who give the silent treatment also try to tell a different story of what happened, to justify their silent treatment. "The silent treatment is caused by a combination of hurt feelings and an inability or unwillingness to talk about them," an Oregon counselor told the Chicago Tribune. When a narcissist uses the silent treatment with someone, they take it to the extreme. To make it seem like it was absolutely necessary to ignore their partner. If the silent treatment does not appear to be part of a larger pattern of abuse, a person can try the following approaches: Acknowledge that someone is using the silent treatment. Many people don’t realize the dangers of engaging in the silent treatment, which only adds to … Relationships can be difficult enough without having to deal with problems that you don’t know exist or; people who would rather play silly games than have an open and honest discussion about any problems which arise. A healthy dose of communication would be far more effective. Why are you receiving the silent treatment? Counselors call this “taking a time-out.”. The best predictor of divorce isn’t whether a couple fights – arguments are inevitable – but how a couple fights. Nobody can attack the reasons for your behaviour because you won’t tell anyone what those reasons are. Just to be clear, the silent treatment is a manipulation tactic where a toxic narcissist will stop talking to you for days, hours, weeks or even months in order to punish you for some perceived slight. Confrontational questions and passive aggressive behaviour, 17 Examples of passive aggressive behaviour, Understanding passive aggressive behaviour. To resolve the issue long-term, you need to identify the reason the other person has chosen the silent treatment as their way to deal with problems. (and obviously have nothing to do with it). With physical pain, you can usually get over it very quickly. The Best Way to Respond to the Silent Treatment When your partner gives you the silent treatment, what it means and what to do. By working on the communication and striving to create an environment where you can both be open and honest about your feelings; you will strip away most of the reasons for applying the silent treatment. I always found that I had the best relationships with people who had the confidence and communication skills to sit down with me and get me talking. They know that because of the above we'll eventually give in just to make the torment end. ​If the person does have a violent temper then you should encourage them to seek professional help and you need to make your safetly the number one priority. Using the silent treatment is an unproductive way of communicating within a relationship. This can create more conflict. Research indicates that both men and women use the silent treatment in relationships. Whichever is true, the silent treatment is not going to resolve the issue. In his speech, he mentioned how like all couples, he and his lovely wife Aoife had survived a few arguments. Be wary if somebody is giving you the silent treatment for this reason because if they think it works, they will keep doing it. Worse, he is also giving the silent treatment to my coworkers who are also friends of mine! We often say and do things without any serious thought or meaning. Why do people use the silent treatment? Verbal abuse occurs when someone uses negative or demeaning words to maintain power and control over someone else. And I learned that when I spoke honestly with these people, we could sort most of the issues out. Another curse of the modern world is that people are desperate for attention all the time. It can sometimes be a form of self-protection, but at other times, it indicates emotional abuse. Nobody wants to be shut out, ignored, excluded or rejected. ​If somebody is genuinely trying to inflict emotional pain upon you; you really need to ask yourself why you allow them in your life. In these cases, it can be helpful for each person to take some time to cool off before getting together to discuss the issue calmly. It may feel good to ignore your partner when you feel slighted but, it keeps you from finding real solutions to the problems that are bugging you the most. It’s up to you to figure out what that was. Usually, stonewalling and the silent treatment go hand in hand. People who use the silent treatment may even refuse to acknowledge the presence of the other person. Instead, do your best to sound calm and in control. If you wonder what a silent treatment actually is, it is nothing but the intentional act of ignoring someone for a certain amount of time. They use silence as their weapon of choice. They also do it when they're wrong. People use the silent treatment for a number of reasons. If they choose not to talk, we may take it personal and our sense of self-worth suffers as a consequence. The silent treatment (also known as withholding) is used to punish and regain control of a person. 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